Why Do I Feel This Way?

I haven't felt happy at all lately. If I do feel happy, it only lasts a few hours at most, then something happens to make me feel upset all over again.

I feel like my friends are changing way too much. I'm not saying they're changing as people (although some are), but I'm saying I'm losing some friends I never thought I'd lose, and getting some back I never thought I'd get back.

2007 was supposed to be a big year. It has been, I've met some awesome people and I'm having some amazing opportunities arise. But feeling like your only friends are your best friends is a sucky feeling. It makes even the happiest moments feel like nothing.

Lately I've been feeling extremely left out. Like I do so much for other people and get nothing in return, not even a thank you. People think the things they do for me is payment enough. I'm not a selfish person, but it'd be nice to have someone help me out sometimes. At least I know how to take care of myself. That's something a lot of people I know can't say.

I miss the way my friends used to act. I miss talking to my friends all the time. It's not like they're any busier than they have been in the past when we used to talk a lot.

I'm sick of people telling other people what I say and then twisting my words around and taking it out of context. I'm tired of not knowing who I can trust. I'm over people thinking they know everything. Reality check: YOU DON'T KNOW A THING!

Sometimes I feel like not going on the internet (including AIM) for a month. So much changes in the two days I sometimes go without it. Seeing it after a month would be pretty interesting. And then I'd know who my true friends were. Texting would still be there. So would phone calls. If they really wanted to talk to me, they could.

Some people think I've changed. Well, I have. As you grow up, you have to change. You can't sit around waiting for things to change for you. You have to change in order to get what you want sometimes. I'm not going to go around following a band for the rest of my life. It's not what I want to do with my life. And if I do anything requiring me to do that, it's going to be with a steady income that I can life on comfortably. I don't mean having enough money for food and some clothes. I mean being able to buy what I want, when I want.

Just because I stick up for myself and my friends when people say something and just because I know the truth, people think I'm a bitch. I can guarantee you something. If you are a bitch to me or treat me or my friends like crap, you get the same treatment. Remember in elementary school, teachers would say "treat others how you want to be treated"? Remember how none of us listened? Well, it's time to start listening, because it's true. If you want people to treat you well, treat them well.

I've lost respect for so many people. Those people who say "I hate when people talk behind other people's backs" but they do that themselves. Those people who think they own the world and can pick their favorites. You can't get through life by doing that. The day is going to come when someone needs something. Someone's life could be on the line. Just because they're not one of your favorites, does that mean you won't save them?

Things have changed. About two weeks ago, I heard from someone I hadn't really spoken to since March. We still don't talk much, but I still talk to that person more than I talk to some of my friends I've been talking to this entire time.

I like where my life is heading. I have a future. I can't say that for others.

I can't really trust anyone anymore. Even the people who think I can trust them, I can't trust. The only people who I can trust with anything, and I mean ANYTHING, are Morgan, Nicole, and Joey. If they told anyone anything I said, they'd tell each other. They wouldn't go around telling people. I could share with them my deepest secrets, but I know they wouldn't go around blabbing. Even if we suddenly stopped being friends, I know they'd still keep things to themselves. I know for a fact some of my old friends aren't like that.

Does it suck knowing I won't see some people ever again? Of course. People take that the wrong way though and think I'm being selfish. For example, the Jonas Brothers. They've changed my life and the lives of others. But there are those people who understand what I mean. Like Nicole, for example. Here's some stuff she said on AIM.
Nicole: the fact is they're a band.
Nicole: but they're people who came into our lives
Nicole: and formed a personal relationship with each of us
Nicole: and because of that we cant let go
Nicole: and that was their first mistake
Nicole: we were spoiled from the start
Nicole: they wanted to present themselves as friends, people just like us, in the beginning
Nicole: you can't just rip that away
Nicole: and suddenly say "well you had your chance you can never see them again"
Nicole: it's like any other.
Nicole: its like if you and i were friends for a really long time
Nicole: and then one day
Nicole: randomly
Nicole: someone said
Nicole: "nicole and meagan you can never talk to each other again. you had your chance to be friends. you can stand in the same room but you're not allowed to speak."
Nicole: its not very fair and its pretty much emotional abuse

We have come to terms with the fact that it's over and done, but to see them one last time and tell them how proud we are would be amazing. We don't ask for much and we don't use people. We just want them to know we're proud and we still love them.

There is so much more I could say, but I can't comprehend everything that is running through my head. But that stuff I've said has been with me for a while and I needed to get it off my chest.

Hate me for it if you want, but it's how I feel.

Lately I've been feeling depressed, annoyed, angry, stressed, and now to top it all off, I'm catching a cold.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm one of the luckiest people in the world, and I'm so grateful for everything that has happened and is happening to me.

I just wish all this drama would end.

I need it to be later in this month, and December/January. The stuff planned should cheer me up quite a bit.

That's all.
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