What do you do when it all falls apart?

I feel like my entire life is falling apart.
Depressing, I know. But it's the truth.

I can't even look at certain pictures anymore without wanting to cry.

I feel like there are only about five people I can ALWAYS count on. Don't get me wrong, I love having those people that I know will always be there for me. Those people know who they are...at least, I hope they do.
But then there are the people who SAY they'll always be here for me...but I just don't believe them anymore. And THAT is a crappy feeling.

Everything in my life has changed. I know change is bound to happen sooner or later, but when everything changes at once, it's kind of hard to deal with.

Lately, I've been feeling like I've completely lost my way; like I'm starting to not know who I am anymore.

It's like I'm just sitting around, watching the world go by and watching good things happen to other people.

While this may seem like a depressing blog (which I guess it is so far), I can tell you one thing:
It isn't.

Because I'm done sitting around. It's time I started living my life the way I want to live it.
I'm done letting other people tell me how to live my life.
I'm done trying to satisfy other people.
I'm done trying to keep my feelings to myself.

So to all the people who have ever made me feel almost heartbroken...
To all the people who have ever made me feel like falling apart and giving up...
To all the people who simply don't give me enough credit...
To all the people who have ever had even one negative thought or thing to say about me...

I'm going to prove you wrong.
And I'm going to show you just how smart I am.
I'm going to show you that karma, no matter how long it takes, really is a you know what.

And to all the people who haven't given up on me...
To all the people who have believed that I can do great things...
To all the people who haven't hated me for things that are beyond my control...
To all the people who care enough to break down the walls I build...
To all the people who love me for who I am, mistakes and all...

Thank you.
You are the ones who keep me going every day.

I've gotta pick myself up, where do I start? 'Cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart.
I know who I can turn to. I know who is always there for me.
Don't think I don't know when people talk crap about me behind my back.
I'm a heck of a lot smarter than you all think I am.
Street smarts go a long way these days.
I'll prove that in time ;]
And you know what the funniest part of it all is?
It's those people who treat me like crap who make me want to work that much harder.

So, I've decided not to give up on myself just yet.
If you care for me at all, you'll do the same.

PEACE, LOVE, AND COCOAPUFFS
<3
mm

I need a little motivation...

Nothing at all is motivating me to finish two of the classes I so desperately need to finish.
I'd way rather do my other classes, but I know I can't do them until I get these two over with.

The worst of the two? Algebra 2.
I hate it.

And not even the fact that if I finish that class along with Fine Art (which is basically art history) my mom will book our flights to L.A. is motivating me.
I mean really, everyone knows how badly I want to go out to L.A.
And I know if I don't make my mom book the flights soon, it's not going to happen as planned.
So I NEED to finish.
I just can't seem to.

So here's what I'm going to try to do. Key word: TRY.
I'm going to try to finish both of those classes by the time my mom gets home on Sunday. Then for a little extra oomph (I love that word) to guarantee that she'll book our flights, I'll try to finish a test for Psychology and do a few experiments for Bio Lab.
The chances of the extra stuff actually getting done are slim to none, but hey, it's worth a shot.

It sucks though, because I just can't seem to motivate myself to get going on it.
It's not that it's that hard, because it's not.
I don't really know WHAT it is that's keeping me from starting.
I just can't seem to start.

Maybe it's the fact that I have about 23984720384 thoughts running through my head so I can't focus at all.
Try focusing when you feel like your head is spinning like a tornado...it's not so easy.

And it also doesn't help that it's about 4:30 a.m. which means I probably won't wake up until really late tomorrow.
And I hate doing work at night because I'd way rather just chill and talk to people.

RAWR.


Algebra 2.
You are the death of me.

PEACE, LOVE, AND COCOAPUFFS
<3
mm

The Barron Blog

No, not barren, BARRON! As in Morgan Leigh Barron. As in the topic of this blog.
She is the only person who will ever have an entire blog dedicated to her, so everyone should be extremely jealous.


So her name is Morgan Leigh Barron, but you all probably know her as MoGo. She’s pretty much my best friend in the entire world and she dominates at all things in this thing we call ‘life.’ She is the only person I know who would put a live chick on her head. She is a pro raver, and always knows what I’m talking about when I say, “Who’s gonna sleep in the middle?!” We have a gay friend at Metropark in Atlanta who absolutely adores his little red jacket from the women’s section. She lacks a natural tan, but that means she would have been rich in the old days (so would I!). She can rock a spray tan better and more naturally than anyone I’ve ever met. She travels all over the country all the time, just like me. Oh wait, that’s because a lot of the time, she IS with me! She is the master of April Fools, so if she didn’t get you this year, watch your back next year! Sometimes she sneezes, resulting in her inhaling a magnetic nose ring and pulling it out of her mouth. Only half of it was removed, however. The back of it was never to be seen again. Also, don’t bother asking her where the Hampton Inn is, she’ll interrupt you before you even finish saying ‘Hampton’ so she can scream ‘NO!’ We have the ability to talk with our eyes, which really bugs a few people, one in particular. We love the following things: Magnolia Cupcakes, The Gramercy Park Hotel, polka dotted walls, hotel fitness centers, raves, and lots of other stuff. She was the original four-letter-nickname-er, and as far as I can remember, I was the second. Then came CoKo, PoGo, NoGo, YoGo, BoGo, DoGo, ToGo, and JoPo. Chances are, she’s a million times cooler than you’ll ever be, but she doesn’t add creepers on her Myspace. So don’t be a creeper and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to actually talk to her! I think that’s all I’m going to tell you about Morgan Leigh Barron, because if I tell you anything else, you’ll either know enough to stalk her, or you’ll try to become her bestest friend and I’ll never be able to speak to her again.

In Morgan’s honor:::
ROCK OFF, RAVE ON
<3
mm

RAWR

I wanted to update this.
But I had no ideas of what to write about since my life at the moment is rather boring.
So I asked Lisa for some help. She told me to write about frogs, then said it was fun to squish their bladders.
Which brings me to the subject of her always asking me if I've dissected the frog yet.
I don't plan on doing that anytime soon. She can do it for me if she has so much fun with it.

Then she said to write about ice cubes because they rock.
I said it would have been better if she said they were cool because it would have had a double meaning.

As I'm typing this, I realize it was much funnier when it was actually being said than when it's typed up for other people.
People rarely understand ToGoJo humor. LAME.

Anyways, Morgan is coming up here for Bamboozle =D I'm like a million times more excited now! Then in June we're going to L.A. which will be AMAZING!!! I think we should go see Kanye if that's the time that we're there. All I know for sure is, I'm forcing Barbie (not the doll, the actual person, haha) to come up to see us. Or we'll all go to Disneyland/California Adventure and be idiots and have a rave or something.

And now, stealing this idea from Garbo's blog (only it won't be nearly as rad and instead I'll just list some random facts about her), here's a little something all about LISA!!!!



As everyone knows, Lisa is Asian, but the workers at McDonald's sometimes like to remind her of that fact when giving her a Big Mac. She absolutely HATES hugs, so my word of advice is when you see her, give her the biggest and tightest hug you've ever given anyone in your life, even if you don't know her! When she takes off her glasses, she looks extra Asian. I always remind her of this by screaming, "YOU LOOK SO ASIAN!" We like to make random voice blogs, most of which are absolutely pointless. She can play the drums like it's her job which makes me jealous, and she can even play a little guitar which also makes me jealous. But most of the time, she likes to steal my guitar instead of using her own which she left at my house. She takes better pictures than anyone else on the planet, although at the Wallingford show, I must admit my skills were half as good as hers which made me proud. She has celebrity crushes on guys who are much too young for her, but for the sake of privacy and creeper issues, their names will be witheld. She runs Shine On-Media which is basically the only (yes, ONLY *coughcough*) site devoted to celebrities out there that is actually worth checking out. Zac Efron, Cody Linley, Monique Coleman, Aly & AJ, and oh yeah, THE JONAS BROTHERS, all know about the site. The Jonas Brothers in particular are probably the biggest fans of the site which is why she always gets the best interviews (one of which I asked the questions for - the one where Joe is drinking the water and tells the story in a southern accent). While I have a love for Elmo's, she has a love for the fact that her icon (of he who shall not be named) was watching my icon of Elmo dancing. She doesn't quite understand my obsession with 'Across the Universe' or for shiny things, but I'll forgive her for that. At this point, I think that's all I can really tell you without you knowing so much about her that you want to stalk her, but just let me remind you that she is Asian. Oh, she's also short. But chances are, she's way radder than you'll ever be. Meet her, hug her, love her, worship her. Just don't stalk her, that's creepy.

Also, vote for her in Popstar Magazine's award thingy. Shine On-Media is nominated for best official site. We all know you love myspace.com/jonasbrothers, but Shine On-Media is the shiz, so vote for that instead!!

Next blog will feature: Morgan Leigh Barron

Uhhh, that's all.

PEACE, LOVE, AND COCOAPUFFS
Or should I go all rave on you and say::
P.L.U.R.
-or-
ROCK OFF, RAVE ON!
<3
mm

I'm Beating You to the Gaf

The fact that I'm updating this thing within 10 days of my last post makes me proud, I must say.

I'll try to keep this a regular occurrence.

Soooo, let's see here.

Some people have been asking me what shows on the Burning Up Tour I'll be going to.
Answer? I'm not sure yet. Definitely the ones in Pennsylvania (except maybe not Pittsburgh). Probably MSG (NYC). Probably Homdel, NJ. And probably some others.

Also, people have been asking me if I'm feeling any better lately.
Answer? Yes and no. Yes because of a few things that I won't mention, hahaha. No because lately, I've been feeling like one of my closest friends replaced me. Don't ask who, I won't tell you. Also no because I'm stressing out a lot about some things. But I'll get over it, and I appreciate everyone's concern.

Wow, this blog is really boring so far, eh?

Blah, I'm tired. I give up.

Thank you for reading.
I shall do my best to bore you again soon ;]
Haha, just kidding. I'll be more entertaining next time, I promise

PEACE, LOVE, AND COCOAPUFFS
<3
mm

Reminisce on memories, 'cause I'm gone, so gone.

So I realize this blog might make me sound selfish, annoying, or who knows what else.
But at this point, I don't care.

Because here's the thing.
I'm done.
I'm done being a good friend to people and not having them be the same.
I'm done trying to please people.
I'm done doing nice things for people, things they don't deserve, and not getting anything in return, not even a thank you.
But most of all?
I'm done pretending like I'm okay. Like everything's okay.
Because the truth is...I'm not okay.
In fact, I'm far from okay.

These past few weeks have been rough, but in the past few days, everything has been hitting me at once.
I really can't deal with it anymore.
I've tried to put on a happy face and act like everything is okay.
But it's not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm falling apart, I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
In fact, I'm surprised I can even type this stuff out with how much my head is spinning.

So here's the deal...
From now on, if you want to be my friend, you have to act like a friend.
If you don't...well then, you're not my friend anymore.
It's about time I started making some positive changes in my life.
Even if that means I have to stop being friends with the people I love.
I've given people chance after chance.
I can't do it anymore.
Second chances are enough.
Once you're on your 20th, you don't deserve any more.

So for now, I'm done.
Yesterday during the Jonas concert, there were two times I felt like bawling my eyes out.
1. Take a Breath
2. Nick's speech during 'A Little Bit Longer', along with the song.

My head is spinning so much I can't even process any thoughts in my head.
So I know this blog doesn't really have an end.

I guess that's because I don't even know the ending....
And I guess once I can actually figure out what's going on, I'll write a second part to this.

But for now.
I'm done.
I'm gone.
And if you want me in your life...
Figure out a way to keep me there.

This One Goes Out to You...

To anyone who has ever hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me, upset me, ditched me, or made my life a living you know what. All because I may have made a mistake or two in my past.

Some people never know when they make a mistake.
Some people always know.
There comes a time, sooner or later, when you have to ask yourself, "Did I make a mistake? Should I have done that? Can I really live with what I just did?", and sometimes, when you really cross the line, you reach the point of no return. The point where no matter how hard you try to fix things, you won't be forgiven.

There are only a few ways to be 100% positive of who your true friends are.

One of those is shown when you make a mistake. When someone can still trust you, talk to you, love and respect you, even after making a mistake that you and other people would hate you for, that's when you know you've hit the jackpot.

Then there's the situation where it may take a while, but sometimes there are a few people who will come back to you after a huge mistake like that. Those are the times when you can look in the mirror and say, "They're still here for me when no one else is and when no one should be. But why?" The answer is simple.

They're a true, honest, loyal, forgiving friend.
And they know you'd do the same for them.

But what do you do when you're the loyal friend, who forgives your so-called best friend for something that may have left you in a pretty dark place for weeks, months, even years?
There's only one thing to do.

Let them go.

When they realize the bad things you've done are nothing compared to what they've done, they'll come back to you.

But they don't realize that when you let them go, they lost their chance to ever be forgiven, to ever be your friend again.

They lost their chance of having one person who truly loved them like family.

They lost a part of their life they could have had if they had just accepted the mistakes you had made.

They lost you.

I've always been the kind of person to own up to my mistakes. But I've lost some friends who I thought would always be there simply because they didn't forgive me. They didn't give me a second chance.

Life is full of second chances, some given, some received. When someone gets a second chance, they either take it and slack off, or they use it to fix why they needed one in the first place.

I've learned a lot in the past two years about friends and second chances.

For example, you can't live life watching from the outside, only getting involved when it's for your benefit.

You have to take second chances, give second chances, forgive, but not necessarily forget.

You have to live your life not just for you, but for others, because without them, where would you truly be?

No one can shape their entire life on their own. It takes ups and downs, new friends, old friends, ex-friends, best friends, and everything in between to shape your life.

Every broken promise, every broken heart, every lie you hear - it all changes your life.

For better or for worse.

But how you let it change you is up to you.

Who do you really want to be?

Because no one can answer that question or change the answer except for you.

"People change and promises are broken," but how you live your life is up to one person.

You.